Keeping my Eyes on the Road

So I got a new eye last week.

OK, not the whole eye. But a pretty important part of it. It's a new lens. Because the old one was clouded by cataracts and not functioning very well. Driving at night was like traversing through a star-studded galaxy - lots of mystery and diffuse pinwheels of light. (Sure, that sounds pretty, but not really what you want when you're driving.)

So the left lens was replaced. It was the worst one, both in terms of the cataracts and the overall bad vision. From that eye, I now see bright colours. And stuff that's far away. Because I went for the cadillac lens. Some sort of flexible, multi-focal, top-line thing. After all, it is my sight we're talking about. Critical, right?

But now the right eye, which has been doing all the work for a very long time, is the poor cousin. It's struggling (and failing) to keep up with my super-eye. Leaving everything a bit discombobulated for me. Have to get used to it, though, as it will be about about another month before the right eye gets done.  Then, I will truly be bionic (currently, just 'onic') and can throw away all my glasses. But I am going to get me a really cool pair of shades. Non-prescription. Maybe some Ray-Bans (frankly, I don't even know what's cool anymore!)

If you ever get a chance to have cataract surgery, DO IT! The surgery itself was awesome!

They give you some stuff to numb your eye, but you are awake throughout. And it is totally, f*cking cool. Psychedelic. Kaleidescopic. Bright lights. Rich colours. All bleeding and pushing into one another. And watching the flexi-lens fluttering above, like a shiny, transparent butterfly, just before it was placed in my eye. Spectacular! (And I don't think it's just the Atavan talking.) Really wish I could have filmed it.

I sense a lot of upside to this change. Once the right eye is done and the eyes are more coordinated, holy moly. It'll be a new me.

Downside is that I have to put 4 different drops in my eyes 4 times a day for about a month, and I am still in the 'no-shower, no-shampoo' stage. (even the dog is keeping his distance.) And no eye makeup for 2 weeks. (Time to reveal my hereditary turtle eyes - thanks Dad!)

But all the little challenges will be worth it. I keep saying to myself "Wow. This is how most others must see the world! Spectacular!"

So I'll keep my (bionic) eyes focused on the road ahead. No more mystery and diffuse pinwheels of light.

8 Years Ago & 8 Years Later

8 years ago, in 2008, we were living in New York State. I was working in Midtown Manhattan, with the spouse and offspring deposited in a beautiful, leafy suburb about 40 minutes on the train from Grand Central Station. "Living above our station" as a friend described it.

I worked in a very large organization. A global financial institution. Our staff was relatively diverse at the lower levels. But, perhaps unsurprisingly, the senior executive ranks were still primarily white and male (one non-white male and a couple of women, including yours truly.) I'd like to think it's changed considerably since that time, but...

I arrived in April in 2008 and remember following the US political scene with considerable interest. I was disposed to prefer Hillary over Obama (Grrl Power!), but truly thought either would be a breakthrough. So when Obama became the Democratic nominee, I was fine with that. Considering I couldn't vote anyways, being 'fine with that' didn't really matter to anyone, anyways.

And then when Obama was elected the President...!?! Wow. Just wow.

The excitement was palpable. It was thick. It was a living, breathing thing. The next day, I talked to many in our department who'd been up most of the night out in their neighborhoods feeling the excitement. There was Hope. There was happiness. There was incredulity. Some didn't expect to see that breakthrough, of an African-American President, in their lifetime. Yet there it was.

Of course, by that time, the financial crisis had hit hard and the new President had inherited a sh*t-show of economic decline. The trains to Manhattan were emptier, the locals were out of work or out of money, the main streets sprouted empty storefronts, and large homes sat empty and dark. I can attest that 2009 was a bleak year in Westchester County.

Yet things did improve. Slowly, at first. Then at a better pace. Until "Crisis, what crisis?" became the prevailing view. And many, many people forgot that they needed to fix the root causes of that crisis. They had a job. They had money. They could buy sh*t again.

The usual vices re-emerged. Conspicuous consumption. Greed. Winning an advantage over others. Embracing the 'haves' and vilifying the 'have nots' (lazy, stupid, crazy, criminal. The goddamn 99%.)

And it just seems so awful lately. The dividing lines look deeper and wider. I wonder if it's a chasm we can no longer leap across.

So, 8 years later, I follow the US political scene with considerable interest. It seems to be a battle between Fear and Baggage. Trump brings the Fear that he is, in fact, as bat-sh*t crazy as he seems. Clinton brings the Baggage of having been a political player for very many years, who may have many pipers to pay.

At the end of the day, I'd pick Baggage over Fear. With Baggage, there is still Hope. With Fear, there is only Hate.

Of course, I can't actually vote in the U.S. But I can confirm that I picked Baggage/Hope over Fear/Hate in our last federal election.  And yes, we have a Prime Minister who brings the legacy (and baggage) of his father, and no, the Canadian Liberals will not do everything right ... but their heart at least seems to be in the right place and we see an agenda of inclusiveness and hope.

Hoping my US compatriots will make a similar choice. Vote Hillary. Grrl Power!

Driving in the Rain

If you've read early posts on this journey, you'll know I have a convertible. Rather a nice one, IMHO (although getting long in the tooth... if cars can do that sort of thing.)

Earlier this week, I had reason to take the Sea to Sky Highway up to Squamish. Was hot and sunny when I left so I had the car top down and was enjoying the beauty along the way. Close to my destination, some rain started to fall.  It wasn't very heavy and wasn't hitting me directly (only a few splashes on the back seat - thank you aerodynamics), but I thought it best to stop after a few minutes and put the roof up.

Aerodynamics 101

Later, as I was leaving Squamish for the drive home, the sky looked promising. Bright, crystalline, a few fluffy clouds. Awesome convertible weather. So down the roof came. Cranked up Tragically Hip and headed back down that gorgeous road.

But it wasn't too long before the rain started spitting - near Shannon Falls, I think. But I was resolute. What're a few drops of rain, anyways?

And then it wasn't spitting anymore. Nuh uh. It was raining and spraying and swooshing. The wipers were going crazy. The road was a filmy blur. The ocean merged with the sky on the pass through Britannia Beach.

But the rain still wasn't hitting me. Not at all. Aerodynamics again. Or maybe, just maybe, a little bit of magic too.

Yes, I could see it splattering my back seats. And yes, I did briefly wonder what the deluge was going to do to my interior.

But then I thought, F*ck it. I'm enjoying this. I want this. I need this.
Never mind the big stares from those in passing cars. Never mind if they were mocking me.
I was fully, completely fine with that.

Good spirits rising

Eventually, the rain stopped. (It always does.) The sun shone and dried up the back seats.

The sky smiled at me. I smiled back.

Starting with a Whimper (sad face)

I had full intentions of starting 2016 with a BANG!

 )

Enthused about life, people, career.
Nothing but positivity, baby!

Until - WHAM! 

(Which is definitely not the same as 'BANG', by the way. And, in this context, it's also not these guys...)

I got sick. Coughing, sore throat, dizzy kind of sick. Buckley's kind of sick.

It started on New Year's Eve and has been getting progressively worse each day. My biggest accomplishments today were making a cup of coffee in the morning and watching 2 hours of House Hunters International on the PVR. (My god, don't they always pick the wrong place!!)

My Sweater

I did not once venture out into the real world. Much to the world's relief, because I'm a pretty scary sight today. This is the sweater I am wearing. Imagine what the rest of me looks like.

Out the front window

I did not commune with nature. The few snapshots I took were all from the front window of the house. 

I ignored the dog. I didn't even have the energy to embarrass him again, like I did yesterday. (Click here to see) 

And probably the biggest barometer of how I was feeling... I didn't feed the House Crows at all today. I saw one of them looking at me through the window mid-morning, but I did nothing to acknowledge him or get him kibble. 

Nuh uh. Today was all about me. 

Admittedly, I am a little disappointed that I won't be hitting the ground running: 

• Those 2015 loose ends that I'd planned to tie up will have to hang loose just a little longer. 
• The "New Year | New Me" thing will have to wait a few more days or so. 
• And I just might have to adjust my plans to be competing in marathons by the end of the month.

Instead, tonight, I will snuffle a bit, whimper a lot more and burrow into the couch. I hope to be fed sushi soon (although the husband seems woefully slow in procuring it. He really needs to do better. Doesn't he know that I'm SICK?!)

Anyways, here's hoping your year has started with a BANG and not a WHAM or a whimper, and that you are looking forward to the big joys and little pleasures that 2016 will bring. I know I am!

Happy New Year!

  

Cussing and Cursing

I was driving home from my office the other night and realized I had (yet again) forgotten my lunch bag at work. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. It wasn't lost. It would be there in the morning. Right where I left it. 

But it still caused me to immediately drop an F-bomb in the confines of my car. Because "F*ck Me!" seemed the only appropriate thing to say (loudly and with tremendous feeling) at that moment.

Which is not all that unusual.

The difference this time is that I then immediately thought: "Hmmmm. That was really satisfying. I mean, reaaaaalllly satisfying."

Leading to a flash of insight - sometimes I just really like to curse! It makes me happy. It makes me whole.  It makes me feel real. 

So I was pretty stoked when I saw this article (and this one)

Turns out that cursing is NOT a sign of a redneck upbringing. Nor of a stunted vocabulary.  Quite the contrary...

It is, in fact, a sign of intelligence... of a 'healthy verbal ability' (not sure if that relates to being able to use the word 'f#ck' as an adjective, adverb, noun and verb, or whether it's deeper than that. Why don't you read the study and let me know?)

So here's a favourite cussing-related story: 

Many years ago, I had a really great boss and a pretty fabulous group of peers. We were all together at an off-site meeting in NY state, having dinner at a swish American country club (back when the company had money for those sorts of things).  

A couple of our gang were pretty good at getting their point across without any cursing at all (not yours truly, obviously) so they challenged those of us of the 'potty-mouth' persuasion to try to hold our tongue. We put a 'Curse Jar' on the table (proceeds to charity) and  had to throw in $1 every time we got caught swearing. A few bucks here, a few bucks there... but as the night wore on, and the wine flowed, more and more dollars were being plunked into the jar. My own USD cash supply was starting to run dangerously low. 

Finally, after our boss was called out yet one more time (which was somewhat surprising because he was a very respectful, old-school Pennsylvanian), he pulled out a hundred dollar bill, stuffed it in the jar and announced "F%ck it, I'm paying for everybody for the rest of the night!" 

And then we retired on to the patio with cigars and nightcaps. (Truth be told, we probably used up all of that $100 before the night was half done.)

So, yes, there are times when we need to be calm and professional and tempered. Times when we need to hold those outbursts deep inside.

But there are definitely other times when a well-placed expletive (said loudly and with tremendous feeling) is the best and only option. To give us satisfaction. And happiness. And inner peace (at least for yours truly.) 

Merry F^cking Christmas.
From our family to yours.

(Yeah!)

Deliberately and Relentlessly Positive

We've all seen stories about how Facebook may be ruining lives and feeding insecurities, because people feel inadequate when they compare themselves to the charmed selves and magical lives of their friends / acquaintances / celebrities on Facebook and other social media.

This got me to thinking... is this blog setting up a false picture of continuous happiness and light in my life?  Am I guilty of social media sanitizing?

Cold, cold peaks and  dark, foreboding skies.

I hope not.  Certainly it's not my intent. Because my life is far from being happiness and light every day.  There are:

• Hurdles, big and seemingly bigger 
• Emotions, torrid and occasionally desperate
• Slights, real and well, sometimes actually real... (sigh)

However, I will admit that I have tried to focus this blog, including my Facebook updates, on the positive parts of my life as much as possible.  Deliberately and relentlessly so. 

Why, you ask? (PS, thanks for asking)  

The personal reason is that I've been a cynical, glass-half-empty, expect-the-worst kind of gal for most of my life. TBH, turns out it's not a great mindset to have. So I've been deliberately and relentlessly working to change that. 

The broader reason is that negativity, adversity and vitriol push themselves into our faces every waking hour of every freaking day. And we have to find a way, every day, to deal with it. It can be very tiring.

My Forest Refuge 
(see, that's me on the chair)

...Sometimes it's just nice to have a refuge. 

So I love to read all the positive posts from my friends on Facebook. I love their pretty pictures. It makes me happy to see them find joy in the details of life. In puppies, kitties, horsies... even in humans (who knew?!) 

I never assume that their lives are perfect and that there is nothing but happiness and light in their days. And I don't think they're sanitizing their lives and overstating their successes to make others feel inadequate. I expect they / you / we all face similar challenges - the size and breadth of which doesn't really matter. Because it's not a contest. Hurdles are hurdles. 

If someone wants to share experiences about the hurdles (theirs or mine), I'd like to do that in a conversation, rather than a Facebook post. But feel free to post away, if that's how you want to communicate your hurdles (not judging here.)

As for the negativity and vitriol, occasionally you'll see that I get mad about something and might furiously Share or Comment on a post, and you'll know I REALLY, REALLY MEAN IT when I do.

But most of the time, I'll keep trying to pull light out of darkness and will sometimes post some pretty pictures. 

I'll be Deliberately and Relentlessly Positive.

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun...

How about you?